When I was in my 20s, I had two cervical spine surgeries. When I was in my 40s, I had a third (see other blog posts). At the time those first two surgeries happened, I was told that I'd have problems when I got older; possibly arthritis, muscle issues, nerve damage issues, etc. When I was in my 20s, that seemed so very far off that it had no meaning whatsoever.
But, now that I've reached that point -- that "when you're older" point -- everything seems to be falling in on my head at the same time. Physically speaking. Which, of course, has more mental and emotional consequences than my younger self ever could have imagined.
I also have Rheumatoid Arthritis. There are complications with treating that because of my other physical issues. RA has intensified all those "when you're older" issues. It's somewhat like adding water and glue to newspaper; you get something that's kinda mushy that doesn't have a clear form on its own. If that makes sense. In other words, it's confusing and extremely complicated to manage all these different physical problems.
I have handfuls of doctors. My friend, Taerie, says I have a "pit crew"! I do. I have so many different doctors that it's like wrangling cats some days.
So, life is filled with doctor appointments and tests and therapy and treatments and just trying to take care of myself while trying to live as "normal" a life as I can. And it's bloody hard. Every day is hard. Even on "good" days it's hard. It's demoralizing and dispiriting and aggravating and depressing and frustrating. To put it mildly.
I'm a strong person. I think I would have been no matter what came my way in life, but what actually did come my way made it imperative that I be strong or die, and I mean that literally. That I'm strong now often makes feeling weak, feeling needy or small or young or lost or in pain seem like something I can't feel, that I shouldn't feel. Because I'm "strong". I understand that the strongest thing you can do is admit when you're weak. I understand that. But doing that is another matter.
Today, I feel weak. I feel needy and small and young and lost. It's been a long day. It's been a day of decisions and acting on those decisions. It's been about entering a new phase in taking care of my teeth. I'll be starting Invisaline within the next month or so to try to save my 3 front upper teeth that have slowly been moving apart and loosening over the past few years. They wiggle ever so slightly -- which is wonderful when I have them cleaned. If I don't do something now, I will definitely lose those teeth. Then I'd have to look into implants and I may not have enough bone there for implants. Not to mention implants cost a fortune -- Invisaline cost their own fortune. So, I made that decision, which wasn't easy. This will most probably increase my pain to new levels which, you know, JOY. Not. And the orthodontist and my pain doctor agree that it will likely take me longer than the projected 18 months to go through the entire treatment; I may have to take more time with each stage than a "normal" person might. Again, I am so full of joy. Not.
While this may not seem like a huge step, for me it's a very, very large step. It's opening myself to more unpleasant physical and emotional stress; it's opening myself to more pain. I live at about a 7-out-of-10 pain level. This potentially can kick that number up significantly. I've been hesitant and anxious about this and am not less anxious than I was before I chose to do this. It may all turn out to be no big deal -- let us hope. But, on the other hand...
My patience is gone today. I'm aggravated by everything. I've chosen to shut myself up in my lovely air conditioned bungalow, ignore the phone, leave the TV off and just read. I can't really take any extra pain meds because it's already 6:00 pm and I have an early morning tomorrow (I'm usually hung over the morning after taking pain meds this late) for physical therapy and an ultrasound of my abdomen because my liver enzymes are high and we can't figure out why. No, I do not drink. At all. It's likely a side effect of one of my many, many medications.
So, this post is mainly for me to bitch and moan. Thanks anyone who read this in full.
